to get to our best version of ourselves, we find three things significant - fate, time, and choices.
the whole conspiracy of events to bring us to where we are is always dependent on what we do while we stand through them. of course, it's always adviceable to get to that point of maturity and fulfillment as fast as we could, but sometimes for some people it takes longer. The late bloomers might have chosen where they stand and may be at fault for lagging but we could only wish along with them that they'd learn and derrive their next step from a trip and fall that they've had in the past.
i am one of them, folks. i am a late bloomer in the garden of life.
this isn't an entirely serious and cheesy entry, i swear. to stop myself, from going on with the dramatic tone let me show you this.
me. very disturbing. and just around a year and a half back.
while everyone else at the arrival of puberty around the early years of highschool have started budding into ladies i was a blob. i myself am amused fact that i was 150 lbs as a child and could have possibly passed as a wrestler. i looked on as everyone around me changed, as the lanky, unnoticed, thin little girls who never passed the little miss philippines pageants (cause they weren't as cute and pinch-able as fat mini me) started growing into the ladies that the boys eventually glorified.
as much as i wanted to rush into where everyone else was going, the difficulty was beyond me. it's not as easy to just shed off lipase unless we're talking about literally slicing myself open and sucking out my lard with a straw. so i took different routes. instead of beauty magazines, i started reading comics. i figured i can't possibly live without male interaction, so if i was going to be fat forever i could at least be a friend. this isn't even difficult because i found the life of a typical teenage girl a bit shallow and pointless, and i didn't know what a boyfriend really did.
circumstances bring you to different concerns after a while, and your motives are changed. you learn to "care" for someone and you are forced to think differently. you get swayed from the original plan, you decide, against your principles, to become like the rest of the crowd. you poke your throat to starve and feel satisfied. you spray your food with salt to lose appetite. you run the treadmill at wee hours of morning all the way till noon. you decide that sleep is an enemy. you rush. you rush into the role that you want to become. and you fall miserably at the end, because after all that effort, it apparently isn't what was called for. everything was completely unnecessary, and you lose more than what you have expected to gain. you even lose him... that person you felt you had to catch up to.
people always think that my weight issues have always been just a matter of vanity. it is. but not entirely. not even for the most part. it was about prooving something to myself. all that stupidity and the choices made derrived from it soon after got me to more stable ground eventually. i took longer than most girls to wear a damn miniskirt, but at the time i got to, i didn't have just legs to show off. i had smarts, real confidence, and a genuine smile from the feeling of accomplishment that made me feel good about myself and drew people near.
i'm far from the best version of myself. lately i've been making choices that other people couldn't understand. they might think i'm rushing into the role of ultimate love and the idea of forever, which isn't the case. what i'm NOT rushing into is dropping my reasons for aspiring this forever. i know very well that what i'm fighting for might not be worth it, but i have to be able to prove and find out for myself. in due time.
friends have been supportive and kind amidst the great concern that i've been causing them. i am fortunate that i have people like this around me, who, with great difficulty, chose to stand beside me. maybe this picture can stand as a reminder that somehow, this scorpio, WILL get through, bruised but better. i'm not justifying stupidity or mistakes. i'm not deliberately throwing myself into pits. i am going through a process of confirmation and compromise, and i'm testing and refining the things i believe in. i am still a complete person, and i believe that this is even more demonstrated now that i take risks on my own signal. rest assured i am no longer in the exact same bind, i am in an identical situation which i plan to approach in a differnt manner, and in a whole new state of being, thanks to you people. :)
if i trip and fall again, i won't break and crumble. trust me... i'll be fine.
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