The whole boyfriend issue

I don't understand what crime i'm commiting here. So many people have been telling me i'm selling myself short. How? Have I really just learned to believe in the things I want to believe in? Cause honestly, I think I'm doing it right.

So okay, contrary to the last blog, I DO NOT have a boyfriend. Well, not technically. I've been going out with the same guy for ten months now. Ten months, for which mostly is a really good friendship more than anything. My family and friends know him, but he isn't my boyfriend. Hmmm.... actually, if you look at it I've never had a boyfriend EVER. I've had three years of being a bestfriend with benefits, and 3 months of being an exclusive fling. I haven't had a boyfriend.

The thing is, in the whole public eye, a boyfriend is someone who calls you everyday, picks you up, chooses what you wear, stops you from going out, or goes everywhere with you, and for the most part - claims you in the same right that you have to claim him. Out in the open. For the world to know. Territorial. Ultra-possesive. Or if not, at least when you catch a slight sign of cheating, you have every right to cave your partner's head in. I've never had that.

It's not that I've never thought of what I have now to go that way. I have. Still the thing that people can't see is that I don't dwell on the idea of exclusivity. I don't dwell on the stigma that revolves around relationships. I am not going to force any man to commit to me. Still, completely because of principle, I will accord to any man who proves worthy my loyalty and respect. Whether or not we are together - together.

People come up to me telling me that I sell myself short. That my esteem is low. That I am dumb and naive to be defending a relationship that has no point. I will admit, on days that you wake up thinking of him, the painful part is knowing that he most likely isn't thinking of you. However, I refuse to admit that this is pointless. You do not get to choose who to love,unfortunately. As much as we want to deny it, when the feeling sets in, all you got to do is decide how you can love. As far as I know, I am dealing with things the way they come to me. I've come to this point, so I might as well ride it out. And while i'm in here, I'm giving it my all, if only to know that at the end of the day I have never fallen short. Not towards him, whose person I admire to my core. Not towards the relationship, which has kept me alive with emotion. Most of all not towards me, whom at the end of the day can look behind and said "you've done what you can".

I don't want to set myself up for a myraid of disposable relationships. I don't want to think that getting together is all about breaking up. So as long as no guy has intention or admiration enough to really want me in his life, to be so bold as to prove it or even to just say it in a fashion that I would believe, I will stick with what I am doing.

I just have faith that such a guy will come someday. If anything at all hurts in the relationship that I have right now, it's not the girls, not the so-called infidelity, not the inability to shout to the world that we are what everybody thinks we should be. It is the wait. It is knowing that I'm still on hold for a bigger sweeter prospect of that true "mine and mine only", and knowing that you can't do anything about it but wait for fate to hand it to you. For now, I have him, and he's not perfect, but he makes waiting for that someone so much easier... so less lonely.

Did i make sense?